Typing this at, what, 4:30am ish. I’m having some very bad sleeping patterns… My friend has been recently diagnosed with depression and is getting counciling for it but I was talking to her the other day and she told me to check out a site she found to do with mental health… So I did. Who could blame me? So I checked it out and it seems I have 16 symptoms of depression and 4 symptoms of borderline personality disorder. D= I only checked out the BPD because I have a friend who does have it and so it interested me…
 
Yesterday was a day for memories… Mostly because a school trip to YET ANOTHER SCHOOL took me past my last primary school. It hasn’t changed much and it bought back many memories… What also bought back memories was the school I was GOING TO on the trip because it was the high school most of my primary school friends went to and I saw a few there but didn’t get to talk to them… Oh well. Better luck next time.
 
I feel… At fault somehow… I’m also ruining the relationship I have with my boyfriend… Noone can tell me it’s not my fault either. Because it IS my fault. He doesn’t like my self harming. Neither do I but for most part I can’t help it. I think it’s because he used to do it… And maybe he doesn’t want me to end up like that…? But it is most definately my fault because… I did it again. It lasted so long… I refrained from doing it for over a month (I think) and then I ruined it last Friday after a bad day at school where I learned my friends don’t trust me. I’ve never done anything to make them NOT trust me so I don’t see why that happened.. There’s a little more to it but I don’t particularly want to write or talk about it… My parents also found out and decided I "broke my promise" and so now I have to talk about it to someone at least but, oh no, I can’t talk to someone I choose. It has to be either one of them or a proffessional. But I don’t want help. I don’t want to spread this horrible feeling to someone else or burden them with MY problems. Nor do I want anyone criticising my problems and deciding "that’s not a good enough reason." It doesn’t help either that my dad gets angry with me telling me I have no reason to be depressed and would I like to be in his situation? I think not… But he can cope with things better than I can and he doesn’t know half of what’s making me depressed, nor do I want him to…
 
On that note I’d just like to say don’t worry about me, I’ll go my own way. The depression will pass and I can sort out my own problems, not to be rude. I wish not to burden others with things that are bothering me because it is not their problem and therefore they should not worry for me.
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