Category: Extras



Sean Carnall Photography

The modelling photo I used for my competition.

At this web address: http://bit.ly/RmynfQ


I revisited this blog to… Well, basically to advertise myself.

I have some links I want you guys to check out.

The first is my Facebook page.

The second, a competition I’m currently entered in. Link is here. I’d appreciate it if you’d all vote for me and share it around so I get more votes because I’d really like to at least be in the top five!

The third, my profile on Assets Casting Agency.

So, yeah, share these links around, guys. Thanks a lot. Much love.

My Life, My Business. NOT YOURS


I’m using this blog for the specific reason that I know whoever has gone tattling on me to my ex boyfriend can see it.

Correct me if I’m wrong but what I do with my life is none of anyone’s business but my own. Right now, I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of a fucking hurricaine that I caused.
The eye of the storm is calm, right? Yeah, it is. I don’t feel much right now. I feel a little empty. This is because there’s a lot going on inside of my head.
The thing is though I don’t want everyone to know everything – so don’t go fucking telling them. You want to know what I’ve been up to since Saturday the 7th? Email me, I’ll give you the fucking list.
If I wanted my ex boyfriend to know any of this, I’d post it on my other blog, where only he and another user can actually see it. But I don’t suppose it matters now because nobody has respect for my privacy or the fact that my ex boyfriend has a tendency to be driven to fucking suicide. I’m pretty sure he’s close to that point now and I’m damn well sure I pushed him there. Why do I feel like I wasted my time with him? Oh, right, because I wanted to make him happy and bring him away from his depression but I’ve just sent him right back there… It shouldn’t be him on the verge of suicide; it should be someone who actually deserves to die.


You seemed like a good friend, at first – we seemed to have a lot in common – and continued seeming that way for a while (maybe a year or two, possibly three). However, there came a time when I realised we couldn’t be very good friends; and it’s bothered me. Of course, you haven’t actually noticed how much it has bothered me – you never said anything – and so I’ve been left a lot of time to ponder upon it.
You have a colourful personality. You can be kind, pleasant and strong, but you can also be arrogant, cocky and proud. Let’s face it, it’s just a Yin and Yang battle, like in all people. Never bothered me before.
Over the time that I’ve known you, you’ve become more arrogant, more cocky, more proud and, let’s face it, really quite selfish and self centred.
As you strongly made your views known, I began to wonder if we did have very much in common. Turns out, we don’t have much in common. Ah well. No worries. Lots of people are friends with people they don’t have much in common with; so long as they can find a common ground, it’s fine. We had more than one common ground, I think, so our friendship could have survived – at least high school, anyway. Then on, we probably would have gone our seperate ways anyway… But one could only hope for such a modest friendship. Acquaintances would have been fine with me if you hadn’t moved so far away from what I thought you were.
We had some good times, don’t get me wrong, fun times. You were my best friend. We laughed and hung out together. Friend stuff. It was good. I enjoyed… Most of it.
I never perceived you to be the type of person to talk about people behind their backs (excluding the occasional moan to your best friend; but everyone does that). When Freckles told me that someone had told him, I’d been “slagging [him] off”, I thought he was lying because I’ve never “slagged [him] off” behind his back. Anything I say behind his back, I’ll say to his face. I’ve talked about him, but not usually in an extremely harsh way, behind his back because everybody needs to talk about their problems. I didn’t talk very often because I don’t often get the chance to tell people how I feel – they just don’t care. You didn’t seem to care much, either, so I eventually stopped telling you things as much…
Eventually, I realised that somebody had probably lied to him and told him I’d been saying bad things about him. It didn’t seem like it’d be you but that was the only (highly unlikely) plausible solution I’d come up with. Especially seeing as though said person had told him I’d changed and I’d become a bitch bad person.
I don’t try to be a bad person. In fact, in case you didn’t notice while you were self-absorbed, I try my best to be a good person. Like the creature in Frankenstein, I have a benevolent nature – but that can change if you don’t treat me right.
The last thing that really pushed me away from you is how you view my relationships. You never really supported me with my relationships; you seemed to just grin and bear it.
Alright, with Kane, you were happy for me.
With Riley… You told me how much of a bad choice I was making; how he probably wasn’t who he said he was, how he was probably cheating on me, etc, etc. You, along with all of my other “friends”, turned against me. Whether or not he was a bad person was a different matter; you all went the wrong way about telling me. Did you know: all that treatment caused the beginning of my self harming? You had all convinced me that I wasn’t good enough for the word because I was gullable and naive and dated somebody online. But, months later, now everybody is doing the exact same thing. Well done, guys… Thanks.
With Eli… I don’t remember, really. I think you were happy I’d got the guy that I’d crushed on for eight years – but it seemed fake; very fake. After he dumped me you consoled me because it was the social protocol. At least, I think you consoled me; I don’t remember.
With Adrian… You immediately disapproved because of the age gap and the fact that I met him online; you said he could be anyone of any age. But, I’d already met him in real life once; but you continued on about the age gap and stuff, etc, etc. Eventually, you got to know him and seem to be better friends with him than with me – even after all those horrible things you said about him. Y’know… I’m not even sure I was ever properly dating him. Maybe that’s why you ended up liking him so much.
And now, with my darling Shaan-kun… Despite the fact that I’d already proven once that age doesn’t really matter, you continue to spurn the fact that I happen to enjoy the company of older men; they’re more mature than the idiots our own age. Besides, last I heard, you were after someone older than you anyway.
Actually, didn’t you like someone older first? Didn’t you say you prefer older guys? Didn’t you fancy your cousin, who is older than you? Not even the better looking one, either. Your foster cousin is actually the better looking one; everybody agrees.
It never bothered me when you said you liked your older cousin – or even your new best friend’s ex, who happens to be older than you. My only query with that is that he’s your best friend’s ex and it might only be a mere infatuation. You and your best friend are very, very alike, too, so he might be put off by that. But I digress.
You view my relationship with Shaan-kun as baby-sitting. Fucking baby-sitting! D’you know how much I’ve wanted to punch you in the face for saying that? I don’t think you realise how much it bothered me because you’re too fucking self-centered. Why did you say it? Are you jealous? Jealous that he has me or jealous that I have him? Or are/were you jealous that I’m in a relationship? A good relationship. Or maybe you’re jealous that I love him, but not you. Well, I don’t have any love towards you – romantic or otherwise – because of the way you’ve treated me; it’s your own fault.
I hope you can iron out the defects so you don’t lose any more friends. I also hope that you can see which friends are so indecent that they use you and they’re fake, etc. I was never an indecent or fake friend.
Because of you, I no longer keep friends – just acquaintances. I can’t trust many people. I certainly can’t trust you.


I’m thoroughly sick of people telling me they “have people” that tell them things about me. The next person who says that, I will punch in the face. I’m sick of people talking about me when they don’t even talk to me! Besides, how is someone supposed to know that I’ve been spending a lot of time in the library when I haven’t seen or spoken to anyone I know?
Maybe I’m paranoid but either someone’s stalking me for information or something stupid or someone’s just keeping an eye out for me… I hate it when I get paranoid.


I always hated creating a scene. Everyone hates conflict. I’d rather do something subtly; sometimes just to see if the person cares enough to notice. Most of the time, they don’t. But that’s usually when it’s something good.
This time, however, I let people know what I really think. I rarely do that. It wasn’t good, let me tell you that. There’s been quite a bit of conflict with Freckles and his new girlfriend.
To begin with, the conflict was just between Freckles and I. I even retrieved his new phone number so that it could stay between the two of us and only the two of us. Of course, that was never going to happen. Eventually, she got involved – but that comes later.
Freckles, as per usual, accused me of “slagging [him] off” to my friends, behind his back. Honestly? I wouldn’t say a thing behind his back that I wouldn’t say to his repulsive face. He claimed one of my “friends” told him about me doing this (bullshit, much?) and then refused to tell me which friend. This was highly unfair. I had a right to know. But no, apparently he wanted to keep this person’s trust. Since when has he been bothered about trust?
The way I see it, this person is untrustworthy herself. For a start, she bullshitted lied about me; secondly, if I had said anything to her, it would have been in confidence (confidence that she’d keep it to herself) so technically, she abused my trust. I don’t keep friends I can’t trust.
The fact that Freckles kept the name of the person away from me caused me to speculate about who it could be. This led me to question whether or not I could trust any of my friends. I decided it’s not worth the risk anymore and, besides, they’re probably better off without me – I mean, I’m a fucking curse, obviously.
Anyway, I have a pretty good idea who told him that I was “slagging [him] off” and also told him that I’ve changed and I’m a bitch… Bad person… This all was the reason that I deleted the majority of my friends from MSN – I can’t trust them.
My problem with this person is that they are far too self centred to have ever noticed when I was upset unless I actually made sure to give them very heavy hints. They were too wrapped up in their own problems to realise or to care that other people have problems too. Because of this, I stopped telling her my problems. I shut up and listened. It’s what she wanted me to do, it seemed – but nothing is ever good enough. She decided we weren’t friends. She texted me. I may as well put it on here becasue she’s shown every fucker else and now I’m getting greif for it.
“Lesley, i’m sorry but you’ve changed. I can’t be friends with you anymore. You’ve pushed me away and we have grown apart and have nothing in common anymore.”
I know she got my reply because she’s been showing that around. But she didn’t have the decency to reply to me. I was actually waiting for a reply. I wanted to talk things up; tie up loose ends, y’know? But nobody wants to do that with me.
Nobody wants closure. They just want to drop everything and fuck off leave me to deal with it. It’s like they all, one by one, three a mirror at the floor as hard as they could so that it smashed into a million tiny, sharp pieces and left me to clear up the mess. I’m cutting myself (metaphorically) here, picking them up. It hurts. The kind of wounds that a bandage can’t fix and only a mask can hide. But bandages don’t really fix wounds and masks break easily.

258 – “Friends” = 10


I’ve deleted the majority of people from my contacts list on MSN. If I’ve deleted you and you’re REALLY that bothered about it, re-add me. If you give me a good reason and I can trust you, I’ll accept your request. If not, well you weren’t really a good friend anyway. Those of you who are in the ten that remain on my contacts list: congrats. It may not mean much but you’re the only people I enjoy talking to.


My sister seductively told a game to get back in its box so she could play a different game. That’s like seductively telling your lover to get their clothes back on because you’re going to someone else’s house instead.
In other news, I don’t want to use this blog anymore. Instead, I’ll be seperating the different aspects of my blogging (personal, video games, poems, photography, etc) into seperate blogs. Some of these blogs will be private. For more information (and the URLs of the blogs when I make them) email me at theunattainableblackrose@gmail.com and tell me which aspect(s) you’re interested in.


From about 4pm Thursday until approximately 2:04pm Saturday, I was graced by my darling Shaan-kun’s presense. It really was great to see him; I missed him dearly – and more so now that he’s gone back home again.
Meeting my family must have been nerve-wracking for him but he wanted to do it because it showed how serious I am about him. I’m very serious about him; why shouldn’t I be? I’m in love with him.
Going from the day we first met offline, we’ve been dating for four months; if you go from the first time Shaan-kun called me his girlfriend, it’s about five months. I’m not entirely sure of the actual date of the latter because there was a lot of hype around that time and my mind has automatically deleted the majority of it. My brain is hypersensitive to negativity and tries to block out most of it (is that weird?).
Personally, I think it all went very well, Shaan-kun meeting my parents. My siblings instantly adored him because of the shirt he wore (a present from yours truly) and the fact that he’s into the majority of games and some anime. (My sister was disappointed that he knew nothing of Soul Eater or Sgt Frog, however…). My baby sister liked him because he was willing to play with her. My mother was immediately friendly towards him, which meant she approved of her first impressions of him. She liked him too. Dad was a bit… Safe guarded. Like a child when they meet someone new. A bit wary at first, but eventually introduces themselves (after showing off something; a skill or play thing. Skyrim, in dad’s case. He made sure he was playing it when Shaan-kun arrived) and warms to the person. So, all in all, it was a positive experience. Though I think my siblings were trying a bit too hard to impress him in whatever way they could.
Shaan-kun gave me gifts. It was cute and I appreciate the gifts; I just don’t like the idea of him spending money on me… Or giving me things that belong to him, as was the case with Crisis Core (it’s a good game; you should try it…). Thankfully, I had something to give to him in return (hopefully, he’ll enjoy it). He also gave my family some gifts, which they were impressed with. He needn’t have gone to such effort to impress them; he’s amazing anyway.
Shaan-kun and I went on a date on Friday. We went to the cinema and ended up seeing Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengence. It wasn’t bad. The 3D effects were cool. However, the continuity was a little iffy and Nicholas Cage is full of himself. I’m sure Shaan-kun has a lot more to say about it; he should be a film critic. But if you try to focus on the positives, like I was, it’s a good film, I guess. Even so, a date can go great even if the film is bad; no worries.
Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed the time I spent with my darling Shaan-kun. Now that he’s not here with me, I miss him.


I’m still not used to waking up at stupid times. Sometimes, I enjoy the solitude; other times, it frustrates me. Right now? I don’t know. I’m hungry.
I can hear my two sisters sleeping below, both breathing slowly. Since my baby sister moved into our room two days ago, I think, strangely enough, she’s slept better – and I’m glad of that.
Today, I get to see my darling Shaan-kun for the first time since October. I miss him. He’s meeting my parents; I hope they like him. If anyone were to ask me, they’d find out I’m very, very serious about Shaan-kun; hence, the reason he’s meeting my parents.
I found an old diary of mine the other day. One from 2009. I can’t help thinking that I used to write like a retard (did I think that was cool or something? If I did, I had the mindset of a retard, too)… I suppose I have changed a little since then, but not by much. I’ve merely matured and become a little more comfortable with who I am; instead of trying to be someone else because I was unhappy.
Speaking of unhappiness… I can’t help but see a lot of it in other people. I’m not unhappy, no; but some people close to me are (if you can still call them “close” to me). Apparently, I have to Skype call with a friend tonight so he can talk to me about all his troubles. Normally, I wouldn’t mind, but with Shaan-kun here, I don’t know if it’d be ideal. Still, I think I should because my friend is depressed and needs someone to talk to. I want to always be there for my friends. Hopefully, Shaan-kun will understand. He’s a very understanding person.