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I’m still not used to waking up at stupid times. Sometimes, I enjoy the solitude; other times, it frustrates me. Right now? I don’t know. I’m hungry.
I can hear my two sisters sleeping below, both breathing slowly. Since my baby sister moved into our room two days ago, I think, strangely enough, she’s slept better – and I’m glad of that.
Today, I get to see my darling Shaan-kun for the first time since October. I miss him. He’s meeting my parents; I hope they like him. If anyone were to ask me, they’d find out I’m very, very serious about Shaan-kun; hence, the reason he’s meeting my parents.
I found an old diary of mine the other day. One from 2009. I can’t help thinking that I used to write like a retard (did I think that was cool or something? If I did, I had the mindset of a retard, too)… I suppose I have changed a little since then, but not by much. I’ve merely matured and become a little more comfortable with who I am; instead of trying to be someone else because I was unhappy.
Speaking of unhappiness… I can’t help but see a lot of it in other people. I’m not unhappy, no; but some people close to me are (if you can still call them “close” to me). Apparently, I have to Skype call with a friend tonight so he can talk to me about all his troubles. Normally, I wouldn’t mind, but with Shaan-kun here, I don’t know if it’d be ideal. Still, I think I should because my friend is depressed and needs someone to talk to. I want to always be there for my friends. Hopefully, Shaan-kun will understand. He’s a very understanding person.


I don’t usually reblog things but this even made my parents smile!

The Digital Record

Gaming Valentine Card

It almost made me feel emotion…

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This morning, I attempted to send an email (from my Hotmail account) with an attachment. However, Microsoft is a bitch useless company that spends too much time trying to make money and not enough time trying to improve the website, etc.
The mobile website wouldn’t let me attach a file and the PC site wouldn’t load properly/at all. Fuck you, Microsoft.


I’ve noticed that, since deactivating my Facebook account, the only person I ever get to have a proper conversation with is my darling Shaan-kun. However, deactivating my Facebook account would never have affected this because he doesn’t have Facebook. Smart guy.
The majority of the people I was “friends” with on Facebook have my email or my phone number or both. Two people, and two people only, bothered to ask where my Facebook account disappeared to. Those same two people have spoken to me, like, once since.
No, no, of course this doesn’t bother me. I’m not really an important aspect of anybody’s life and I’m totally fine with people only talking to me when they want something from me. So, by all means, pick and choose when you want to be fucking friends with me.
Go on; I dare you.


image


image

Suffocate


The air is thick and heavy –
dense. Very dense.
Wading through it,
we’re trying to find
what we lost in the
mist, but we “can’t
see.” Not anymore.

Air so thick a butter knife
wouldn’t cut through.
We can’t move now;
I can’t breathe. It
fills my lungs to the
very brim, threatening
to overflow. But, the
question is: where
will it go? Where
will it overflow to?
It can’t. It will get
denser – is that a
word? It will cram
itself into the tiny
organs that are
reserved inside the
body for a certain
guest – air. This air
did not make any
reservations so
there is really
“nowhere to
accommodate” it
all. What then?

The lungs – my lungs –
will burst due to
the pressure and
all the stress and
strain and force
they had to endure
throughout this
endeavour. Little
blue balloons burst.
If we can trust what
they say, we can
assume I won’t “make it”
and they’ll break it
to you smoothly, I
hope. No worries.

Maybe the air will course
through the rest
of my body, thus
rupturing each
organ in its path;
eventually it will
reach my brain
and cause more
damage than is
already there.
Won’t that be a
“kick in the teeth”?

My brain will be compressed
“beyond repair.”
What will be left
of me once the
air has finished
the suffocation
process, which it
naturally exceeds at?

Nothing.


Despite the lack of device, I still hear music. Music that tries to drown out the voice(s) in my head. I’m not trying to grab anybody’s attention with this, I’m not being attention-seeking. I don’t let most of my “friends” know the URL for my blog. If anybody has given it out, especially to someone at school or someone I loathe, I will make their life a living hell. So, feel free to pass around my blog’s URL – at your own risk.
Presently, I feel like I’m suffocating. My chest is tight and I can’t breathe properly. I keep coughing, too. Shallow coughs. I can only assume that the coughing is a result of dust. It also doesn’t help that my nose is blocked because of this stupid cold.
The voices I’m hearing right now keep telling me I’m sociopathic. I can see why. I mean, my social skills fucking suck. But if having social skills means you can’t be honest and open about how you feel about things then I don’t want social skills.
Social skills are the lid to my bottle. The bottle is filling up and the lid has a hole in it. Pretty damn soon, it’ll overflow past that hole and the emotional liquid inside will drown my social skills and probably myself, too. We’ll see.
I need to talk about my problems but I just don’t feel like it. I do feel like consuming multiple tubs of ice cream. I don’t deny being a comfort eater.
My eczema is flaring up and my hands are all red. I’ve probably had an allergic reaction to the cleaning fluid at work today; however, that’s the least of my problems, it seems.
I won’t talk about my worst problem because the emotional fluid has already entered the bottle. Besides, it’d be rude because it’s a private issue to be resolved. Hopefully, sometime soon.
If there is no contact between my boyfriend and I for three days or more, I won’t assume that we’ve unofficially split up. That would also be considered to be rude, I guess. I’d contact him but I’m not sure what to say or how he’d react… Though I do admit that I was in the wrong and I also apologise. I doubt it makes much difference though… A little girl like me can’t make a difference in this world.


image

I doodled this in my old Maths book last night after a, uhm, conversation with my parents had left a bad taste in my mouth and I sat on the stairs.
The doodle represents how I often see the hallway/stairs as I look down at the shoe rack. I know the walls don’t exactly look straight and the proportions are all wrong but… Does anything ever look as it should?
I call these “Concept doodles”. I used to do a lot of them when I was upset.