Tag Archive: emotions

I always hated creating a scene. Everyone hates conflict. I’d rather do something subtly; sometimes just to see if the person cares enough to notice. Most of the time, they don’t. But that’s usually when it’s something good.
This time, however, I let people know what I really think. I rarely do that. It wasn’t good, let me tell you that. There’s been quite a bit of conflict with Freckles and his new girlfriend.
To begin with, the conflict was just between Freckles and I. I even retrieved his new phone number so that it could stay between the two of us and only the two of us. Of course, that was never going to happen. Eventually, she got involved – but that comes later.
Freckles, as per usual, accused me of “slagging [him] off” to my friends, behind his back. Honestly? I wouldn’t say a thing behind his back that I wouldn’t say to his repulsive face. He claimed one of my “friends” told him about me doing this (bullshit, much?) and then refused to tell me which friend. This was highly unfair. I had a right to know. But no, apparently he wanted to keep this person’s trust. Since when has he been bothered about trust?
The way I see it, this person is untrustworthy herself. For a start, she bullshitted lied about me; secondly, if I had said anything to her, it would have been in confidence (confidence that she’d keep it to herself) so technically, she abused my trust. I don’t keep friends I can’t trust.
The fact that Freckles kept the name of the person away from me caused me to speculate about who it could be. This led me to question whether or not I could trust any of my friends. I decided it’s not worth the risk anymore and, besides, they’re probably better off without me – I mean, I’m a fucking curse, obviously.
Anyway, I have a pretty good idea who told him that I was “slagging [him] off” and also told him that I’ve changed and I’m a bitch… Bad person… This all was the reason that I deleted the majority of my friends from MSN – I can’t trust them.
My problem with this person is that they are far too self centred to have ever noticed when I was upset unless I actually made sure to give them very heavy hints. They were too wrapped up in their own problems to realise or to care that other people have problems too. Because of this, I stopped telling her my problems. I shut up and listened. It’s what she wanted me to do, it seemed – but nothing is ever good enough. She decided we weren’t friends. She texted me. I may as well put it on here becasue she’s shown every fucker else and now I’m getting greif for it.
“Lesley, i’m sorry but you’ve changed. I can’t be friends with you anymore. You’ve pushed me away and we have grown apart and have nothing in common anymore.”
I know she got my reply because she’s been showing that around. But she didn’t have the decency to reply to me. I was actually waiting for a reply. I wanted to talk things up; tie up loose ends, y’know? But nobody wants to do that with me.
Nobody wants closure. They just want to drop everything and fuck off leave me to deal with it. It’s like they all, one by one, three a mirror at the floor as hard as they could so that it smashed into a million tiny, sharp pieces and left me to clear up the mess. I’m cutting myself (metaphorically) here, picking them up. It hurts. The kind of wounds that a bandage can’t fix and only a mask can hide. But bandages don’t really fix wounds and masks break easily.


Hello, Darling

From about 4pm Thursday until approximately 2:04pm Saturday, I was graced by my darling Shaan-kun’s presense. It really was great to see him; I missed him dearly – and more so now that he’s gone back home again.
Meeting my family must have been nerve-wracking for him but he wanted to do it because it showed how serious I am about him. I’m very serious about him; why shouldn’t I be? I’m in love with him.
Going from the day we first met offline, we’ve been dating for four months; if you go from the first time Shaan-kun called me his girlfriend, it’s about five months. I’m not entirely sure of the actual date of the latter because there was a lot of hype around that time and my mind has automatically deleted the majority of it. My brain is hypersensitive to negativity and tries to block out most of it (is that weird?).
Personally, I think it all went very well, Shaan-kun meeting my parents. My siblings instantly adored him because of the shirt he wore (a present from yours truly) and the fact that he’s into the majority of games and some anime. (My sister was disappointed that he knew nothing of Soul Eater or Sgt Frog, however…). My baby sister liked him because he was willing to play with her. My mother was immediately friendly towards him, which meant she approved of her first impressions of him. She liked him too. Dad was a bit… Safe guarded. Like a child when they meet someone new. A bit wary at first, but eventually introduces themselves (after showing off something; a skill or play thing. Skyrim, in dad’s case. He made sure he was playing it when Shaan-kun arrived) and warms to the person. So, all in all, it was a positive experience. Though I think my siblings were trying a bit too hard to impress him in whatever way they could.
Shaan-kun gave me gifts. It was cute and I appreciate the gifts; I just don’t like the idea of him spending money on me… Or giving me things that belong to him, as was the case with Crisis Core (it’s a good game; you should try it…). Thankfully, I had something to give to him in return (hopefully, he’ll enjoy it). He also gave my family some gifts, which they were impressed with. He needn’t have gone to such effort to impress them; he’s amazing anyway.
Shaan-kun and I went on a date on Friday. We went to the cinema and ended up seeing Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengence. It wasn’t bad. The 3D effects were cool. However, the continuity was a little iffy and Nicholas Cage is full of himself. I’m sure Shaan-kun has a lot more to say about it; he should be a film critic. But if you try to focus on the positives, like I was, it’s a good film, I guess. Even so, a date can go great even if the film is bad; no worries.
Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed the time I spent with my darling Shaan-kun. Now that he’s not here with me, I miss him.

I’m still not used to waking up at stupid times. Sometimes, I enjoy the solitude; other times, it frustrates me. Right now? I don’t know. I’m hungry.
I can hear my two sisters sleeping below, both breathing slowly. Since my baby sister moved into our room two days ago, I think, strangely enough, she’s slept better – and I’m glad of that.
Today, I get to see my darling Shaan-kun for the first time since October. I miss him. He’s meeting my parents; I hope they like him. If anyone were to ask me, they’d find out I’m very, very serious about Shaan-kun; hence, the reason he’s meeting my parents.
I found an old diary of mine the other day. One from 2009. I can’t help thinking that I used to write like a retard (did I think that was cool or something? If I did, I had the mindset of a retard, too)… I suppose I have changed a little since then, but not by much. I’ve merely matured and become a little more comfortable with who I am; instead of trying to be someone else because I was unhappy.
Speaking of unhappiness… I can’t help but see a lot of it in other people. I’m not unhappy, no; but some people close to me are (if you can still call them “close” to me). Apparently, I have to Skype call with a friend tonight so he can talk to me about all his troubles. Normally, I wouldn’t mind, but with Shaan-kun here, I don’t know if it’d be ideal. Still, I think I should because my friend is depressed and needs someone to talk to. I want to always be there for my friends. Hopefully, Shaan-kun will understand. He’s a very understanding person.

Despite the lack of device, I still hear music. Music that tries to drown out the voice(s) in my head. I’m not trying to grab anybody’s attention with this, I’m not being attention-seeking. I don’t let most of my “friends” know the URL for my blog. If anybody has given it out, especially to someone at school or someone I loathe, I will make their life a living hell. So, feel free to pass around my blog’s URL – at your own risk.
Presently, I feel like I’m suffocating. My chest is tight and I can’t breathe properly. I keep coughing, too. Shallow coughs. I can only assume that the coughing is a result of dust. It also doesn’t help that my nose is blocked because of this stupid cold.
The voices I’m hearing right now keep telling me I’m sociopathic. I can see why. I mean, my social skills fucking suck. But if having social skills means you can’t be honest and open about how you feel about things then I don’t want social skills.
Social skills are the lid to my bottle. The bottle is filling up and the lid has a hole in it. Pretty damn soon, it’ll overflow past that hole and the emotional liquid inside will drown my social skills and probably myself, too. We’ll see.
I need to talk about my problems but I just don’t feel like it. I do feel like consuming multiple tubs of ice cream. I don’t deny being a comfort eater.
My eczema is flaring up and my hands are all red. I’ve probably had an allergic reaction to the cleaning fluid at work today; however, that’s the least of my problems, it seems.
I won’t talk about my worst problem because the emotional fluid has already entered the bottle. Besides, it’d be rude because it’s a private issue to be resolved. Hopefully, sometime soon.
If there is no contact between my boyfriend and I for three days or more, I won’t assume that we’ve unofficially split up. That would also be considered to be rude, I guess. I’d contact him but I’m not sure what to say or how he’d react… Though I do admit that I was in the wrong and I also apologise. I doubt it makes much difference though… A little girl like me can’t make a difference in this world.

I have a song I wrote stuck in my head. The problem with that is: I only wrote a few lines and they are circling around and around my head continuously. I figure I really need to write the rest of that song, along with others that I haven’t finished yet. Maybe, by the end of year, I’ll have written three or four more songs and the majority still won’t have a melody.
On another note, I think I have a pretty high emotional debt towards myself. I owe myself either a large tub of ice cream or the grounds to fucking murder someone. Haha.

So after coming home from hanging with Oppa and the female version of Sheldon, I finished off the last of my Aero without even tasting it. I’m not sure why either. I think it made me feel sick. And my stomach hurts now.
I went outside to get the washing in but proceeded to flip out on my sister, get shouted at, and break down and cry. I’m still not sure why I was crying… I have a pain in my chest, too. It’s been there since… Idk… Tuesday? I’m not sure why it hurts.
I think I have reached my limit. I know I’m a closed person. I bottle all my feelings up so they don’t get in the way of other people. I’ve done this for so long that I don’t remember why I started doing it in the first place. So technically… It’s my own fault. I’m a mess. I’m like a bottle. Filled with gas, rather than liquid. The gas is compressed and compressed to fit more and more in up until the point that the bottle can’t hold any more and… Explodes. This process is highly irreversable and painful… If I try to walk away from this mess, I’ll cut my feet on the glass. So I have to stay here and deal with it. Seeing as though my coping mechanism was broken during the explosion… I don’t think I can handle it on my own.

Not many people actually care to ask how I’m feeling lately. I mean, I don’t mind that they don’t ask… But I have to wonder why they don’t ask. Ah well, can’t be helped, huh?
In other news, how I’m actually feeling is… Terrible. I feel sick. And for some reason, I can taste blood in the back of my throat… I’m not sure whether I’m imagining the taste or what. But I want to know why I’m tasting blood… And it doesn’t taste healthy. I’m deficient in something and I don’t know what it is…
I also feel… Out of the loop, so to speak. I don’t think people are telling me things. The things probably aren’t all that important to them but, to me, it’s the little things that count. I know people are keeping things from me because I can sense it. As a result of this, I’m reluctant to tell them anything and thus it becomes a vicious circle and, in the end, the person no longer trusts me. And leaves me. It’s Winter now. It’s making me paranoid.
I think this morning I’ll leave Shaan-kun to sleep instead of texting him. I think he needs the sleep…

A Danger To One’s Self

I came to the conclusion earlier today that I’m a danger to myself and others for a number of reasons… If you know me properly, you know all of the reasons. I also came to the conclusion that I should take showers rather than baths. You can drown in two inches of water, y’know… But we don’t have a shower so that’s that idea down the drain. Heh…

I’ve come to realise that one of my biggest issues is that I don’t tell people some things. I mean, I always have a reason not to but… I bottle everything up inside myself. Oppa says that admitting it’s an issue is a huge step in the right direction. This time last year, I would’ve lied and said nothing was wrong and everything is okay but now I admit to there being a problem and say I don’t wanna talk about it. Is that so bad?

I’m a closed person at heart. I’ve been brought up to believe that people don’t need to know everything. I’ve always been hesitant to tell anyone anything in case it affected something, be it their image of me or someone else or their beliefs or whatever.

You can say anything about it that you like but, truth is, I am a weak person at heart. For whatever reason, I’ve grown up to be… Scared of people, I guess. I constantly say “I hate people” the way I’ll say “I hate spiders” because I’m anthropophobic as well as being arachnophobic. I’m also agoraphobic but that’s another story. Honestly, I could list my phobias. Ahah…

I’m trying to be more open with some people. I’m trying my best and I just wish people could see that.

Stress & Skype

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m aquiring more spots from stress… And it’s pissing me off… I uploaded some photos to Facebook, which I might remove, that show evidence of it, too. If it’s showing up on those pictures, it must be getting really bad! Even so, my relative in Australia commented on the album I uploaded the photos to and said I’m really good with my photography and stuff so they must have been good pictures, photography-wise. The usual “Likes” from Oppa don’t tell me much really. Just that he still bombards me with notifications when I upload photos.

Skype is fun to use, is it not? And it’s the only app on any of the laptops that can use webcam as well as text, seeing as though I don’t actually have the MSN app. I do like it. Though I’d not used my Skype account for over a year, i.e. since before I knew Oppa. I forgot it existed so it’s a good thing the password was easy for me to guess (though what does that say about the security of the password? Ahah).

I don’t even remember when I actually opened the account… But if I never use an account, why would I tell people about it? The only reason I used my account last night was because I was already on the laptop that uses Skype and I thought I may as well log in.

I had a nice conversation on Skype, it cheered me up, but after that it just caused problems for me. Who knew a program on a computer could cause such a fuss? It’s all I can do not to spout profanities and violently attack something. Maybe I need anger management?

I know I wasn’t in the best of moods yesterday and that wasn’t really anybody’s fault. I was in that mood for most of the day for reasons quite unknown to me. I told one person of my dream and he cleared it up for me, for which I’m very grateful. I thought that would cheer me up but I was still stuck in that mood up until the point that my sister’s crush’s brother made me laugh so hard I nearly cried because he insulted me a number of times and then asked me for my number. Like I’d give it to him?

Despite appearances, I still wasn’t happy when Oppa visited. I didn’t really care much that he visited because he didn’t visit to see me and I’d rather have been doing better things. Maybe I shouldn’t blog when somebody has pissed me off. Ever. So. Slightly.

Yes, Oppa, I still haven’t stopped faking smiles for you. Appreciate that I care enough to do that. I think that’s worth more than a poxy Skype account. Honestly, you’re overreacting. It’s not like I told you I didn’t have MSN or I didn’t have Facebook or I didn’t have a phone. Those are the things I use most, except for this blog. You even have this blog in your favourites! I thought we were gonna forget about the past and put it all behind us? So if you’re going to shout at me for things I have or haven’t done in the past, you can stop calling me Lexy, that’s for sure.