Tag Archive: friends



You seemed like a good friend, at first – we seemed to have a lot in common – and continued seeming that way for a while (maybe a year or two, possibly three). However, there came a time when I realised we couldn’t be very good friends; and it’s bothered me. Of course, you haven’t actually noticed how much it has bothered me – you never said anything – and so I’ve been left a lot of time to ponder upon it.
You have a colourful personality. You can be kind, pleasant and strong, but you can also be arrogant, cocky and proud. Let’s face it, it’s just a Yin and Yang battle, like in all people. Never bothered me before.
Over the time that I’ve known you, you’ve become more arrogant, more cocky, more proud and, let’s face it, really quite selfish and self centred.
As you strongly made your views known, I began to wonder if we did have very much in common. Turns out, we don’t have much in common. Ah well. No worries. Lots of people are friends with people they don’t have much in common with; so long as they can find a common ground, it’s fine. We had more than one common ground, I think, so our friendship could have survived – at least high school, anyway. Then on, we probably would have gone our seperate ways anyway… But one could only hope for such a modest friendship. Acquaintances would have been fine with me if you hadn’t moved so far away from what I thought you were.
We had some good times, don’t get me wrong, fun times. You were my best friend. We laughed and hung out together. Friend stuff. It was good. I enjoyed… Most of it.
I never perceived you to be the type of person to talk about people behind their backs (excluding the occasional moan to your best friend; but everyone does that). When Freckles told me that someone had told him, I’d been “slagging [him] off”, I thought he was lying because I’ve never “slagged [him] off” behind his back. Anything I say behind his back, I’ll say to his face. I’ve talked about him, but not usually in an extremely harsh way, behind his back because everybody needs to talk about their problems. I didn’t talk very often because I don’t often get the chance to tell people how I feel – they just don’t care. You didn’t seem to care much, either, so I eventually stopped telling you things as much…
Eventually, I realised that somebody had probably lied to him and told him I’d been saying bad things about him. It didn’t seem like it’d be you but that was the only (highly unlikely) plausible solution I’d come up with. Especially seeing as though said person had told him I’d changed and I’d become a bitch bad person.
I don’t try to be a bad person. In fact, in case you didn’t notice while you were self-absorbed, I try my best to be a good person. Like the creature in Frankenstein, I have a benevolent nature – but that can change if you don’t treat me right.
The last thing that really pushed me away from you is how you view my relationships. You never really supported me with my relationships; you seemed to just grin and bear it.
Alright, with Kane, you were happy for me.
With Riley… You told me how much of a bad choice I was making; how he probably wasn’t who he said he was, how he was probably cheating on me, etc, etc. You, along with all of my other “friends”, turned against me. Whether or not he was a bad person was a different matter; you all went the wrong way about telling me. Did you know: all that treatment caused the beginning of my self harming? You had all convinced me that I wasn’t good enough for the word because I was gullable and naive and dated somebody online. But, months later, now everybody is doing the exact same thing. Well done, guys… Thanks.
With Eli… I don’t remember, really. I think you were happy I’d got the guy that I’d crushed on for eight years – but it seemed fake; very fake. After he dumped me you consoled me because it was the social protocol. At least, I think you consoled me; I don’t remember.
With Adrian… You immediately disapproved because of the age gap and the fact that I met him online; you said he could be anyone of any age. But, I’d already met him in real life once; but you continued on about the age gap and stuff, etc, etc. Eventually, you got to know him and seem to be better friends with him than with me – even after all those horrible things you said about him. Y’know… I’m not even sure I was ever properly dating him. Maybe that’s why you ended up liking him so much.
And now, with my darling Shaan-kun… Despite the fact that I’d already proven once that age doesn’t really matter, you continue to spurn the fact that I happen to enjoy the company of older men; they’re more mature than the idiots our own age. Besides, last I heard, you were after someone older than you anyway.
Actually, didn’t you like someone older first? Didn’t you say you prefer older guys? Didn’t you fancy your cousin, who is older than you? Not even the better looking one, either. Your foster cousin is actually the better looking one; everybody agrees.
It never bothered me when you said you liked your older cousin – or even your new best friend’s ex, who happens to be older than you. My only query with that is that he’s your best friend’s ex and it might only be a mere infatuation. You and your best friend are very, very alike, too, so he might be put off by that. But I digress.
You view my relationship with Shaan-kun as baby-sitting. Fucking baby-sitting! D’you know how much I’ve wanted to punch you in the face for saying that? I don’t think you realise how much it bothered me because you’re too fucking self-centered. Why did you say it? Are you jealous? Jealous that he has me or jealous that I have him? Or are/were you jealous that I’m in a relationship? A good relationship. Or maybe you’re jealous that I love him, but not you. Well, I don’t have any love towards you – romantic or otherwise – because of the way you’ve treated me; it’s your own fault.
I hope you can iron out the defects so you don’t lose any more friends. I also hope that you can see which friends are so indecent that they use you and they’re fake, etc. I was never an indecent or fake friend.
Because of you, I no longer keep friends – just acquaintances. I can’t trust many people. I certainly can’t trust you.


I always hated creating a scene. Everyone hates conflict. I’d rather do something subtly; sometimes just to see if the person cares enough to notice. Most of the time, they don’t. But that’s usually when it’s something good.
This time, however, I let people know what I really think. I rarely do that. It wasn’t good, let me tell you that. There’s been quite a bit of conflict with Freckles and his new girlfriend.
To begin with, the conflict was just between Freckles and I. I even retrieved his new phone number so that it could stay between the two of us and only the two of us. Of course, that was never going to happen. Eventually, she got involved – but that comes later.
Freckles, as per usual, accused me of “slagging [him] off” to my friends, behind his back. Honestly? I wouldn’t say a thing behind his back that I wouldn’t say to his repulsive face. He claimed one of my “friends” told him about me doing this (bullshit, much?) and then refused to tell me which friend. This was highly unfair. I had a right to know. But no, apparently he wanted to keep this person’s trust. Since when has he been bothered about trust?
The way I see it, this person is untrustworthy herself. For a start, she bullshitted lied about me; secondly, if I had said anything to her, it would have been in confidence (confidence that she’d keep it to herself) so technically, she abused my trust. I don’t keep friends I can’t trust.
The fact that Freckles kept the name of the person away from me caused me to speculate about who it could be. This led me to question whether or not I could trust any of my friends. I decided it’s not worth the risk anymore and, besides, they’re probably better off without me – I mean, I’m a fucking curse, obviously.
Anyway, I have a pretty good idea who told him that I was “slagging [him] off” and also told him that I’ve changed and I’m a bitch… Bad person… This all was the reason that I deleted the majority of my friends from MSN – I can’t trust them.
My problem with this person is that they are far too self centred to have ever noticed when I was upset unless I actually made sure to give them very heavy hints. They were too wrapped up in their own problems to realise or to care that other people have problems too. Because of this, I stopped telling her my problems. I shut up and listened. It’s what she wanted me to do, it seemed – but nothing is ever good enough. She decided we weren’t friends. She texted me. I may as well put it on here becasue she’s shown every fucker else and now I’m getting greif for it.
“Lesley, i’m sorry but you’ve changed. I can’t be friends with you anymore. You’ve pushed me away and we have grown apart and have nothing in common anymore.”
I know she got my reply because she’s been showing that around. But she didn’t have the decency to reply to me. I was actually waiting for a reply. I wanted to talk things up; tie up loose ends, y’know? But nobody wants to do that with me.
Nobody wants closure. They just want to drop everything and fuck off leave me to deal with it. It’s like they all, one by one, three a mirror at the floor as hard as they could so that it smashed into a million tiny, sharp pieces and left me to clear up the mess. I’m cutting myself (metaphorically) here, picking them up. It hurts. The kind of wounds that a bandage can’t fix and only a mask can hide. But bandages don’t really fix wounds and masks break easily.

258 – “Friends” = 10


I’ve deleted the majority of people from my contacts list on MSN. If I’ve deleted you and you’re REALLY that bothered about it, re-add me. If you give me a good reason and I can trust you, I’ll accept your request. If not, well you weren’t really a good friend anyway. Those of you who are in the ten that remain on my contacts list: congrats. It may not mean much but you’re the only people I enjoy talking to.


I’m still not used to waking up at stupid times. Sometimes, I enjoy the solitude; other times, it frustrates me. Right now? I don’t know. I’m hungry.
I can hear my two sisters sleeping below, both breathing slowly. Since my baby sister moved into our room two days ago, I think, strangely enough, she’s slept better – and I’m glad of that.
Today, I get to see my darling Shaan-kun for the first time since October. I miss him. He’s meeting my parents; I hope they like him. If anyone were to ask me, they’d find out I’m very, very serious about Shaan-kun; hence, the reason he’s meeting my parents.
I found an old diary of mine the other day. One from 2009. I can’t help thinking that I used to write like a retard (did I think that was cool or something? If I did, I had the mindset of a retard, too)… I suppose I have changed a little since then, but not by much. I’ve merely matured and become a little more comfortable with who I am; instead of trying to be someone else because I was unhappy.
Speaking of unhappiness… I can’t help but see a lot of it in other people. I’m not unhappy, no; but some people close to me are (if you can still call them “close” to me). Apparently, I have to Skype call with a friend tonight so he can talk to me about all his troubles. Normally, I wouldn’t mind, but with Shaan-kun here, I don’t know if it’d be ideal. Still, I think I should because my friend is depressed and needs someone to talk to. I want to always be there for my friends. Hopefully, Shaan-kun will understand. He’s a very understanding person.


I’ve noticed that, since deactivating my Facebook account, the only person I ever get to have a proper conversation with is my darling Shaan-kun. However, deactivating my Facebook account would never have affected this because he doesn’t have Facebook. Smart guy.
The majority of the people I was “friends” with on Facebook have my email or my phone number or both. Two people, and two people only, bothered to ask where my Facebook account disappeared to. Those same two people have spoken to me, like, once since.
No, no, of course this doesn’t bother me. I’m not really an important aspect of anybody’s life and I’m totally fine with people only talking to me when they want something from me. So, by all means, pick and choose when you want to be fucking friends with me.
Go on; I dare you.

Oh I Concur


It’s just a cold. I only have a cold. But, honestly, it’s made me feel like shit and rendered me incapable of attending: school on Friday; two different parties last night; and rehearsal today.
Here’s me betting most people were glad I didn’t turn up. Seems to me like they had fun without me – and I’m glad they did. No use my not being there hindering any sort of amazingness. My being there would hinder it though. Greatly.
Sometimes I wonder if people even notice my existence. The only person from school that texted me to tell me to get well soon (or texted/contacted me at all) was my stalker. And that was only because he wanted me to go to that party with him, but he seemed to have had a great time regardless.
I’m happy my friends or w/e had a great time and all but I still can’t help thinking that my immune system picked one of the worst times to fail me.
In other news, it looks like I’m baby sitting on Valentine’s Day. Doesn’t matter to me, really. Valentine’s Day is just another commercial event designed to take money from unsuspecting consumers. Valentine’s Day reminds me of Vincent Valentine, for an obvious reason.


I know I can’t just immediately expect things to improve but, with some aspects of my life, I’m beginning to think they never will. My friends will continue to keep me out of their lives, thus causing me, in some cases, to keep them out of mine; it seems as though my father will always act as though he can control me without regard for how I feel about the subject; Freckles will never apologise for anything he’s done against me because it’s never his fault; and there’s more but I don’t want to go into detail. I don’t feel like it.
Today, I got home from rehearsal and fell asleep on my sister’s bed. I felt better after that nap but I’m still a little cold and tired. I don’t feel like eating either but it probably won’t be long before I’m called downstairs for dinner.
I should be revising for my Biology exam tomorrow but I’m too lazy. I just want to sleep…

Major Update


I haven’t posted in a while… Quite a bit has happened since then. My Oppa visited a lot; I met his best friend; went to a festival; got drunk for the first time; and had strange sleeping patterns. The Summer holidays have been considerably good to me so far.

The festival I went to with a group of friends was Stoke Pride. It was a festival to celebrate the large collection of homosexual, bisexual and transexual people we have in our city. It was held in a park near the city centre and the line was absolutely huge! We had our bags searched (deciding that it was to prevent homophobe terrorism) and got paper wristbands that ended up crumpled. There were a lot of interesting people at Pride. Quite a number of them dressed up. There was a guy there who we named Dracula because he wore a cape and all black clothes and had pale complexion. He was quite cool, we taught him the caramel dansen. There was also a guy dressed in white short shorts and angel wings. He pulled it off quite well, actually… There was someone on stilts too and many of the guys were cross dressing. All good fun. Sadly, the on stage entertainment was a bunch of lip syncers singing popluar songs. No songs I like were played. I bought candy floss for my mother, she was happy about that, and we got quite a number of “freebies” from the stalls that were put up. My Oppa insisted on buying me a lighter and a Polari Lounge teddy bear keyring ’cause I wanted them but didn’t want to spend any money… It was nice of him, made me smile. Though I’d rather he didn’t spend his money on me.

After Pride was finished and the entertainment was finished and the stalls were all pulled down, my Oppa’s friend turned up and I finally got to meet him. He seemed nice, a little perverted, mind, and decided he wanted to get drunk with me and Oppa and his girl some time. He also wanted to go camping with us. Oppa said no because of how his friend asked him… I don’t blame him.

After all that, we went to a friend’s house and slept over after getting drunk. It was a lot of fun. Turns out I’m a horny drunk (totally expected of me…). I think the drink may have just amplified my mood. I did a lot of dancing. I like dancing but I suck at it so I don’t do it very often. Everybody had a good time. I’d like to do it again.

Yesterday morning, I woke up at 4am after having a nightmare. Yeah, I know, it sounds childish. Luckily, my Oppa was sleeping over and he came and held me like he did before. It was nice. I like it when he does that… This morning I woke up at about 11am. Go figure.

Last night, my beloved older sister began to go into labour. She’s finally going to give birth after so many days past her due date. She was due on the second of August. Apparently, she’s gone into slow labour and may be sent home later in the day. Poor girl. But it’ll be okay because she’ll give birth to my beautiful baby niece. I’m actually quite excited. Hopefully the birth goes well. More updates on that later.

Sunburn


Had a good day. Spent the day in town and saw some friends. It was fun. We persuaded my Oppa to buy a guitar (should be interesting to see how that goes) which currently resides at my house until he gets the train down here. I’ll borrow him some books, too. I have sunburn now from staying out in the sun all day wearing shorts. Damn.

Okay…


Is it strange that I only consider three people to be real friends to me? Like best friends or whatever you wanna call it… I’m not entirely sure. Considering one is my boyfriend; another is a friend from school; and the last is an online friend who I’ve never actually met in person… Is that strange? They’re all different ages too (19, 15 & 24)… Maybe it’s just ’cause I tend to get on with people who have a higher maturity level than people my age. Either way, I like these people. I want to keep them in my life.