Tag Archive: life


My Life, My Business. NOT YOURS


I’m using this blog for the specific reason that I know whoever has gone tattling on me to my ex boyfriend can see it.

Correct me if I’m wrong but what I do with my life is none of anyone’s business but my own. Right now, I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of a fucking hurricaine that I caused.
The eye of the storm is calm, right? Yeah, it is. I don’t feel much right now. I feel a little empty. This is because there’s a lot going on inside of my head.
The thing is though I don’t want everyone to know everything – so don’t go fucking telling them. You want to know what I’ve been up to since Saturday the 7th? Email me, I’ll give you the fucking list.
If I wanted my ex boyfriend to know any of this, I’d post it on my other blog, where only he and another user can actually see it. But I don’t suppose it matters now because nobody has respect for my privacy or the fact that my ex boyfriend has a tendency to be driven to fucking suicide. I’m pretty sure he’s close to that point now and I’m damn well sure I pushed him there. Why do I feel like I wasted my time with him? Oh, right, because I wanted to make him happy and bring him away from his depression but I’ve just sent him right back there… It shouldn’t be him on the verge of suicide; it should be someone who actually deserves to die.

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Suffocate


The air is thick and heavy –
dense. Very dense.
Wading through it,
we’re trying to find
what we lost in the
mist, but we “can’t
see.” Not anymore.

Air so thick a butter knife
wouldn’t cut through.
We can’t move now;
I can’t breathe. It
fills my lungs to the
very brim, threatening
to overflow. But, the
question is: where
will it go? Where
will it overflow to?
It can’t. It will get
denser – is that a
word? It will cram
itself into the tiny
organs that are
reserved inside the
body for a certain
guest – air. This air
did not make any
reservations so
there is really
“nowhere to
accommodate” it
all. What then?

The lungs – my lungs –
will burst due to
the pressure and
all the stress and
strain and force
they had to endure
throughout this
endeavour. Little
blue balloons burst.
If we can trust what
they say, we can
assume I won’t “make it”
and they’ll break it
to you smoothly, I
hope. No worries.

Maybe the air will course
through the rest
of my body, thus
rupturing each
organ in its path;
eventually it will
reach my brain
and cause more
damage than is
already there.
Won’t that be a
“kick in the teeth”?

My brain will be compressed
“beyond repair.”
What will be left
of me once the
air has finished
the suffocation
process, which it
naturally exceeds at?

Nothing.


image

I doodled this in my old Maths book last night after a, uhm, conversation with my parents had left a bad taste in my mouth and I sat on the stairs.
The doodle represents how I often see the hallway/stairs as I look down at the shoe rack. I know the walls don’t exactly look straight and the proportions are all wrong but… Does anything ever look as it should?
I call these “Concept doodles”. I used to do a lot of them when I was upset.


I know I can’t just immediately expect things to improve but, with some aspects of my life, I’m beginning to think they never will. My friends will continue to keep me out of their lives, thus causing me, in some cases, to keep them out of mine; it seems as though my father will always act as though he can control me without regard for how I feel about the subject; Freckles will never apologise for anything he’s done against me because it’s never his fault; and there’s more but I don’t want to go into detail. I don’t feel like it.
Today, I got home from rehearsal and fell asleep on my sister’s bed. I felt better after that nap but I’m still a little cold and tired. I don’t feel like eating either but it probably won’t be long before I’m called downstairs for dinner.
I should be revising for my Biology exam tomorrow but I’m too lazy. I just want to sleep…

How Is Your Day Going?


My day is going fine, thanks for asking. Well, it is now. The only one that asks me how I am lately is my darling Shaan-kun. I really appreciate him asking – it’s one of the many things he does that show me that he cares.
Last night, I was baby sitting so I didn’t get home until, like, 1am or something. I pretty much went straight to bed.
When I woke up, I was unhappy. I’m not sure why, really. Things are just getting me down. Mostly things between my father and I (oh no, not him again. Stop whining! He’s your dad. DEAL WITH IT).
Not long ago, Shaan-kun told me he’d received the parcel I sent him. His reaction to it made me smile. I’m really glad he liked it.

A Danger To One’s Self


I came to the conclusion earlier today that I’m a danger to myself and others for a number of reasons… If you know me properly, you know all of the reasons. I also came to the conclusion that I should take showers rather than baths. You can drown in two inches of water, y’know… But we don’t have a shower so that’s that idea down the drain. Heh…


I’ve come to realise that one of my biggest issues is that I don’t tell people some things. I mean, I always have a reason not to but… I bottle everything up inside myself. Oppa says that admitting it’s an issue is a huge step in the right direction. This time last year, I would’ve lied and said nothing was wrong and everything is okay but now I admit to there being a problem and say I don’t wanna talk about it. Is that so bad?

I’m a closed person at heart. I’ve been brought up to believe that people don’t need to know everything. I’ve always been hesitant to tell anyone anything in case it affected something, be it their image of me or someone else or their beliefs or whatever.

You can say anything about it that you like but, truth is, I am a weak person at heart. For whatever reason, I’ve grown up to be… Scared of people, I guess. I constantly say “I hate people” the way I’ll say “I hate spiders” because I’m anthropophobic as well as being arachnophobic. I’m also agoraphobic but that’s another story. Honestly, I could list my phobias. Ahah…

I’m trying to be more open with some people. I’m trying my best and I just wish people could see that.

Stressed?


Okay, I admit I’m a little stressed lately. Maybe a little more than stressed. Edgy, too. I’ve tried talking about it, but talking doesn’t solve anything. I’d rather do something about it. But what is there to do?

I have one of my favourite anime movies playing in the background of my homework. I’m distracted from my homework, but not by the movie. I’m a little bothered by things lately – and my actions seem to be making things worse.

What do I do? I fear I’m ruining things. Lot’s of things. Maybe I should just quit while I’m ahead, but what good will that do? What will I accomplish?

I really am quite edgy. Hence, the short paragraphs and short sentences. Good thing I got some more chewing gum. Where would I be if I didn’t? Haha. Though I’m not allowed to chew gum in the house, which sucks. A lot.

I have nothing to do and stress occupies my mind, along with the rest of what I usually think about.

I’m trying to occupy my mind with trivial things like games on my phone and stuff like that. But I had my phone taken off me until further notice. Why? I don’t wanna talk about it.

Maybe that’s my problem. I don’t wanna talk about things lately. Maybe I’m pushing people away like that. That’s not what I want. I just don’t want them to worry or think badly of me.

Sometimes I’m ashamed of what I do. But I can’t help it! If you know me well enough, you’ll know why. If you don’t, good luck figuring it out. Ahah. Have fun.

Years from now, if I last that long, I hope everything will be fine and I can make people happy. I want so badly to make people happy. Doesn’t matter about me.

I guess that counts as neglecting myself but I don’t really care. I don’t matter. I’m insignificant. Just an insect on a leaf, consuming the very ground I walk on. If I don’t find the stem soon, I’ll just fall until I hit the ground. Or, failing that, something very hard.

Ah well. No use just ranting about it, eh? I’ll just sit here and shut the fuck up before I mess things up even further. Is that even possible? Only time will tell.


People are always saying “Don’t blame yourself!” But who else is there to blame when it really is my fault? Maybe if I kept my mouth shut, I wouldn’t have anything to blame someone for. I could shoot myself for the words I speak sometimes. Who’s to blame but me?

Headphones


She wears headphones.
Y’know, the bulky kind.
Those that hide the music inside.
Outsiders don’t even hear.
She walks,
They ignore,
Harmony, right?

If this had a name…
This… Would be…
Isolatry syndrome.
It’s not a word, right?

Isolatry syndrome, watch and
learn.

She walks.
Behind or ahead.
Her “friends” surround.
A crowd.
Of those who love her,
right?

The names, the
scribbles on the page and
the bathroom walls,
the rumours and
gossip, it’s pretty
microscopic
to begin with.
But it escalates and
evolves like
fire and mammals,
plants, trees, creatures,
technology, man.
Up until the point that
everybody knows but
it’s all hush-hush, man.
It’s not like she knows,
right?

She’s just like the others.
Goes to class.
Gets the grades she needs.
Sits with them.
Works with them.
Still, she wears her headphones.
It’s all good,
right?

“Hey, are you listening
to me?”
Teacher shouts – not
happy. She doesn’t
look up.
They whisper
profanities
about her, speaking
ill of her name.
She doesn’t move to
acknowledge the shouts or
the whispers that
are thrown her way because
silence is golden, right?

He pulls her headphones off of her head.
No sound.