Tag Archive: trust



You seemed like a good friend, at first – we seemed to have a lot in common – and continued seeming that way for a while (maybe a year or two, possibly three). However, there came a time when I realised we couldn’t be very good friends; and it’s bothered me. Of course, you haven’t actually noticed how much it has bothered me – you never said anything – and so I’ve been left a lot of time to ponder upon it.
You have a colourful personality. You can be kind, pleasant and strong, but you can also be arrogant, cocky and proud. Let’s face it, it’s just a Yin and Yang battle, like in all people. Never bothered me before.
Over the time that I’ve known you, you’ve become more arrogant, more cocky, more proud and, let’s face it, really quite selfish and self centred.
As you strongly made your views known, I began to wonder if we did have very much in common. Turns out, we don’t have much in common. Ah well. No worries. Lots of people are friends with people they don’t have much in common with; so long as they can find a common ground, it’s fine. We had more than one common ground, I think, so our friendship could have survived – at least high school, anyway. Then on, we probably would have gone our seperate ways anyway… But one could only hope for such a modest friendship. Acquaintances would have been fine with me if you hadn’t moved so far away from what I thought you were.
We had some good times, don’t get me wrong, fun times. You were my best friend. We laughed and hung out together. Friend stuff. It was good. I enjoyed… Most of it.
I never perceived you to be the type of person to talk about people behind their backs (excluding the occasional moan to your best friend; but everyone does that). When Freckles told me that someone had told him, I’d been “slagging [him] off”, I thought he was lying because I’ve never “slagged [him] off” behind his back. Anything I say behind his back, I’ll say to his face. I’ve talked about him, but not usually in an extremely harsh way, behind his back because everybody needs to talk about their problems. I didn’t talk very often because I don’t often get the chance to tell people how I feel – they just don’t care. You didn’t seem to care much, either, so I eventually stopped telling you things as much…
Eventually, I realised that somebody had probably lied to him and told him I’d been saying bad things about him. It didn’t seem like it’d be you but that was the only (highly unlikely) plausible solution I’d come up with. Especially seeing as though said person had told him I’d changed and I’d become a bitch bad person.
I don’t try to be a bad person. In fact, in case you didn’t notice while you were self-absorbed, I try my best to be a good person. Like the creature in Frankenstein, I have a benevolent nature – but that can change if you don’t treat me right.
The last thing that really pushed me away from you is how you view my relationships. You never really supported me with my relationships; you seemed to just grin and bear it.
Alright, with Kane, you were happy for me.
With Riley… You told me how much of a bad choice I was making; how he probably wasn’t who he said he was, how he was probably cheating on me, etc, etc. You, along with all of my other “friends”, turned against me. Whether or not he was a bad person was a different matter; you all went the wrong way about telling me. Did you know: all that treatment caused the beginning of my self harming? You had all convinced me that I wasn’t good enough for the word because I was gullable and naive and dated somebody online. But, months later, now everybody is doing the exact same thing. Well done, guys… Thanks.
With Eli… I don’t remember, really. I think you were happy I’d got the guy that I’d crushed on for eight years – but it seemed fake; very fake. After he dumped me you consoled me because it was the social protocol. At least, I think you consoled me; I don’t remember.
With Adrian… You immediately disapproved because of the age gap and the fact that I met him online; you said he could be anyone of any age. But, I’d already met him in real life once; but you continued on about the age gap and stuff, etc, etc. Eventually, you got to know him and seem to be better friends with him than with me – even after all those horrible things you said about him. Y’know… I’m not even sure I was ever properly dating him. Maybe that’s why you ended up liking him so much.
And now, with my darling Shaan-kun… Despite the fact that I’d already proven once that age doesn’t really matter, you continue to spurn the fact that I happen to enjoy the company of older men; they’re more mature than the idiots our own age. Besides, last I heard, you were after someone older than you anyway.
Actually, didn’t you like someone older first? Didn’t you say you prefer older guys? Didn’t you fancy your cousin, who is older than you? Not even the better looking one, either. Your foster cousin is actually the better looking one; everybody agrees.
It never bothered me when you said you liked your older cousin – or even your new best friend’s ex, who happens to be older than you. My only query with that is that he’s your best friend’s ex and it might only be a mere infatuation. You and your best friend are very, very alike, too, so he might be put off by that. But I digress.
You view my relationship with Shaan-kun as baby-sitting. Fucking baby-sitting! D’you know how much I’ve wanted to punch you in the face for saying that? I don’t think you realise how much it bothered me because you’re too fucking self-centered. Why did you say it? Are you jealous? Jealous that he has me or jealous that I have him? Or are/were you jealous that I’m in a relationship? A good relationship. Or maybe you’re jealous that I love him, but not you. Well, I don’t have any love towards you – romantic or otherwise – because of the way you’ve treated me; it’s your own fault.
I hope you can iron out the defects so you don’t lose any more friends. I also hope that you can see which friends are so indecent that they use you and they’re fake, etc. I was never an indecent or fake friend.
Because of you, I no longer keep friends – just acquaintances. I can’t trust many people. I certainly can’t trust you.

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I think it was Thursday or something… But I had an arguement with Oppa. The question comes to mind: how do we have so much to argue about?
Well, during that ten months (if it was even ten months) we both knew each other so well that we assumed there was absolutely nothing else we could discover about each other. And we were happy with that. Little did we know, in the not so distant future, things would change. And they have changed now.
Whether he admits to it or not, Oppa has changed. I also discovered that he had been hiding things from me. He’d also deceived me a little.
After we broke up, he started being “more honest” with me. Immediately, you can see something wrong there because honesty should be a huge part of any relationship. He started telling me the things I did that had pissed him off or annoyed him or otherwise. These were in the very early stages of the break-up when he was still frail and pathetic so all I could do was sit there, accept it and apologise. How humiliating that was. I wanted so badly to tell him all the things that had pushed me away from him in the relationship – all the things that had annoyed me or pissed me off. But I didn’t. I kept my mouth shut.
I was glad he was being honest with me though. I was happy he was able to get it all off of his chest even though his fragile emotional state prevented me from making any drastic changes in my life because they’d affect him too greatly and he’d throw himself infront of a fucking train. Sometimes he pissed me off so much that I wished he would. But, thankfully, it never happened.
Eventually, he kinda picked himself up from this state of emotional turmoil. Kinda. He then found out about me and Shaan-kun and moaned at me about that. Fair enough he’d be upset that I found a new lover. Thing is, I was the one who broke it off so I was over him pretty quickly. The only reason I stuck around was to make sure he didn’t fucking kill himself. I still cared about him from a friend’s point of view, after all, but that doesn’t mean to say that it didn’t become a total drag or stress me out talking to him. Ask Shaan-kun. During that time, I was stressed out more by Oppa than I was by school work. I put a lot of school work off so I could concentrate on cheering Oppa up and the work piled up. I felt it was my duty to keep him happy though, seeing as though I was the one who made him sad.
Eventually, Oppa had to come to terms with my relationship with Shaan-kun. I told Oppa not to text me while I was with Shaan-kun and that I would text him good night. Oppa was still a little possessive over me at that point, even though he didn’t have me. Over the course of those two days, Oppa tried to hold conversations with me over text. I couldn’t be mean and ignore him. This bugged Shaan-kun though so I eventually told Oppa to leave me alone. Possessive people get jealous very easily, hence the reason Oppa developed a major jealousy complex.
Not long after this, I’m pretty sure we had another arguement in which some things were said. I remember this arguement moved to Twitter and somehow, our sex lives were brought into it. Such an odd, pathetic arguement. Oppa had put me in such a bad mood with it that I became spiteful. Real spiteful. This, however, backfired on me as Adrian decided it was a great idea to tell his friends all about what I’d said. Now I know exactly who he told. My ex boyfriend told me, which I thanked him for because I had a right to know. That same day, I phoned Oppa so I could talk to him about it. Realising what he’d done, he got overemotional and cried. I put the phone down and he phoned me back after he’d finished crying. Hearing him cry again made me give in because I am of a benevolent nature. It reminded me of when I’d tried to break up with him and he, instead of accepting it, phoned me up and sang to me. Then broke down into tears. Regrettably, I gave him another chance that time. Similarly, I decided to hear him out instead of shouting at him. I did do a fair share of telling him exactly how I felt about what he’d done because he had no right to do it. We had a long, meaningful conversation, which ended on a positive note. Once again, we had decided to forget about the past and move on. Easier said than done. After that, we were talking quite pleasantly about things in general.
That day, my best friend also complained to me about our arguing on Twitter. I can do what I want with my Twitter account. Granted, it was kinda my fault it moved to Twitter, but it was better than Facebook. I’d have rather argued using Twitter than anything else.
Not long after, we probably had another arguement that I don’t remember. I think we hung out with some friends in town a few times, too. It was all okay though. I then began to get close to Beckie and I remember talking to her a lot about Oppa because the arguements and constant whining were getting to me. She remembered meeting him once and added him on Facebook and MSN and they talked. A lot. I got worried that Oppa was gonna do something stupid like, oh I don’t know, fall in love with her? He promised he wouldn’t and they were just friends. Wasn’t long before that promise was broken (remember the “blah” thing, Beckie? That’s what that was about).
This upset me a little because I knew he wasn’t really over me yet, whether he cared to admit it or not, and I didn’t want him to ask her out based on a minor infatuation and discover that she was just going to be a rebound girlfriend. I eventually caved in, as per usual, and told him that he may aswell date her. So now they’re dating. Behind her mother’s back. Her mother thinks he’s eighteen. If you want my opinion, relationships don’t last all that long if you lie to your parents. She will find out eventually and, if she doesn’t find out from you, Beckie, you’ll be in even more trouble and may well be banned from ever seeing him again. Is that a risk you’re willing to take?
The day he asked her out, we were both sleeping at her house for two nights. I did enjoy myself a little. But only while we were playing Singstar or Just Dance… But even those novelties faded out and they were back to canoodling. I felt like a total third wheel while they engaged in such things.
Oppa and I ended up having another arguement and I spent a lot of my time on the stairs. If I’m honest, I don’t remember some of that weekend. I do remember “question time” and truth or dare. That night ended on a positive note, I guess. I spent most of the next day, however, asleep. I’m not even sure I remember that day. On the Sunday, we went out and spent some time in the park in the cold. I wasn’t in the best of moods, I’ll admit. I was overthinking, as usual. I was thinking about all the times I have to give up arguing with Oppa because he’s too narrow minded to even consider the possibility that he might be wrong.
He always dismisses every point I try to make and it seriously pisses me off annoys me. He also misinterprets and misrepresents the majority of things.
Last week, I slept at Beckie’s again so Oppa could sleep there too. We played no Singstar or Just Dance this time. I took a book so I could read while they canoodled… I also remember we watched Help! Which is a good film that The Beatles wrote and starred in. It ain’t half confusing, mind. Beckie also ripped out a ton of pictures of Paul McCartney from her various books about The Beatles and gave them to me… I have around thirty pictures… Not including any I have on my phone.
The only problem with that weekend was that Beckie and Oppa were talking in hushed tones to begin with and then started texting each other instead. They kept me up with it. I mean, I could understand it if they both had unlimited texts and I was asleep or almost asleep. But only Beckie has unlimited texts and I was wide awake and totally open to conversation. So why were they texting? I eventually got over it and forgot about it. That is, until the next day when Oppa went to get changed and almost left his phone in the room.
I’d picked up his phone before he left because I was going to pull a prank on him with the use of his Facebook. A childish prank is all. But no… Beckie told him I had his phone and he had a hissy fit, complaining that I was going to look at his messages. This made me highly suspicious, as you can imagine, and it hurt to think he didn’t trust me not to look at his messages. I don’t do that sort of thing – I respect other people’s privacy. I was absolutely insulted. It has now been bugging me ever since. What were they texting about? The only reasonable explanations would be they were either talking about me or they were talking about sex. I’m at a loss as to which one but it seems unlikely that they were talking about sex. Either way, they were hiding something from me. What happened to being honest and open, Oppa-kun? I do wonder.
The second week in a row, I went home quite miserable. But I cheered up eventually after talking on the phone with Shaan-kun and playing Tekken 6 for the first time (great game).
The interesting thing about that week, mind, is that Oppa and I argued on the way home. I remember it was because I suggested we didn’t talk because when we do talk, we just seem to argue. I thought this was a pretty logical move but I got my head bitten off about it. Eventually, I shouted at Oppa to shut up and walked off before it continued. By the way he moaned at me, I assumed my suggestion wasn’t a welcome one.
Both Oppa and Beckie followed me home. Beckie caught up and gave me a hug and I asked her to tell Oppa that I was sorry for snapping at him. And I was sorry. Sincerely.
If I’m honest, I just wanted to apologise so that Oppa didn’t feel so bad about it. So if I were to… Cease to exist… He wouldn’t feel like it was his fault.
I know, I know, suicide is never the answer. But feeling suicidal for the second week in a row, my mind decided that that was pretty much it for me. No point in continuing my megre existence. That was why I phoned Shaan-kun… By the end of the phone call, I’d cheered up a bit. I still tried and failed at drowning myself in the bath for the umpteenth time, but I wasn’t as miserable.
Tuesday, I texted Oppa to ask how he was doing. He replied. The conversation was strained and, after a while, he stopped replying. It was a “better luck next time” type scenario. So, while I was off sick on Thursday, I decided to talk to him on MSN.
This was all going fine up until the point that Oppa decided to ask: “What happened to us not talking?” This confused me. Hadn’t he rejected that idea? It also hurt a little – didn’t he want to talk to me at all? By this point, I felt just as rejected as I did during my stay at Beckie’s house.
So I explained to him that, by the way he’d rejected my suggestion, I didn’t think that was a welcome suggestion at all. He responded by complaining that it wasn’t a suggestion, it was a statement. This bitchiness pissed me off a little. Then it evolved into a full blown arguement…
Eventually, I decided that he clearly wasn’t listening to what I was saying so there was no point in trying and I told him I was going. I didn’t block him, I didn’t delete him. I signed out. Nothing wrong with that, right? I was going to go back online when I’d calmed down.
After a bit, I did calm down. Then I checked Facebook. Boom. He posted about it on Facebook, bearing in mind that he’d promised he’d keep our arguements away from Facebook. It was something about he was giving up trying and blah blah. The comment I made was something along the lines of “Yeah, me too.” Which wasn’t meant to agitate him. The intention was that he would see the error of his ways, too, and the fact that he doesn’t listen to what I say.
But, Oppa being Oppa, he saw it as agitation and rose to the bait. He moaned at me on Facebook, too. This arguement ended with me apologising for fucking existing and him deleting me as a friend. I’ve always wondered why I seem to do a lot of apologising when what I’m apologising for isn’t entirely my fault. Do I get apologies? Occasionally. But not really when I actually need an apology.
So the arguement is half way through and neither party is presented with any real closer.

Well done, Oppa-kun. Omedetou.

On second thoughts, I don’t want to leave this blog post on an entirely negative note. On the plus side, Oppa has been nice to me and hugged me and stuff when I was down. He also claims to have dropped everything to look after me when I had an episode while he was there. He’s a nice, kinda guy at heart. Which is why I don’t understand why we argue so much…

Trustworthy Deceit


We all stop and stare in your direction – why

are you acting this way? Tell me.

What’s going on? Is this another game? My

intuition tells me that I cannot see

what’s right in front of me.

 

An abstract noun that you do

not embody tells me that I should

leave. I’m wondering who

you’ll be today – could

it be me? Yes, you should.

 

Not long ago, I thought you

embodied it but you were there

to prove me wrong. Do

you want to tell me where

you got the idea that

I’d be okay with that?

 

Diminishing, as I

watch and try

to analyse.

You.


Not many people actually care to ask how I’m feeling lately. I mean, I don’t mind that they don’t ask… But I have to wonder why they don’t ask. Ah well, can’t be helped, huh?
In other news, how I’m actually feeling is… Terrible. I feel sick. And for some reason, I can taste blood in the back of my throat… I’m not sure whether I’m imagining the taste or what. But I want to know why I’m tasting blood… And it doesn’t taste healthy. I’m deficient in something and I don’t know what it is…
I also feel… Out of the loop, so to speak. I don’t think people are telling me things. The things probably aren’t all that important to them but, to me, it’s the little things that count. I know people are keeping things from me because I can sense it. As a result of this, I’m reluctant to tell them anything and thus it becomes a vicious circle and, in the end, the person no longer trusts me. And leaves me. It’s Winter now. It’s making me paranoid.
I think this morning I’ll leave Shaan-kun to sleep instead of texting him. I think he needs the sleep…